March 8th, 2013
We were both twenty one, and mostly in love. We doubted eachother, as we all do in the beginning, but something about our low self esteem nurtured our disbelief in the trueness of our care and desire for eachother, and it only died slowly once we began to share more than 4 hours of our lives per day once a week. She is passively aggressive, and I am aggresively passive. She has a temper when unable to prove herself right, and I have a short fuse when unable to be proven wrong. She has a strong desire for order in objects and their surroundings, I have a strong desire for natrural and inevitable disorder. And yet we were drawn to eachother. We could share more than four hours of our lives with eachother and ride the tide for all it’s flyings and crashings. We crashed fewer than few times, and we argued even less. I’ve said “sorry” more times than I should have for the peace of peace, and she has said “sorry” less times than necessary for the peace of peace. And still, sixteen months later, we still stuck with our cliches, and our ticks, and our dramas (although mostly mine), and our silences, and our overthought moments of doubt.
It’s raining outside, and for all that it’s worth it only creates a desire in me to be held close and told nothing at all. There is nothing more comfortable than silence, is my honest opinion, and as it being an opinion of mine I would not expect anyone else to align themselves to it wholeheartedly. Not even her, but for her I’ll bend some of my comforts if she will only support mine, and she has very much supported my comforts, and discomforts, and sudden changes, and abrupt desires, and spontaneous decisions, and irrational decisions.
Although true love does not exist, the same way that perfection is a well intentioned horizoned goal, there is such a thing as true relationships, this being the prolonged natural state of two people sharing their time and resources to create more time and resources together and for each other. Some people last longer than others, and some go about doing this in pairs or triats or quartets. It is not about only the sexual compatibility or the devotion to make your significant other happy. It is rather an unchanged state in which two or more people are able to stand and admire each other.
It’s raining harder now, and faster and thicker, and the rain is starting to seep through my thoughts in the authoritory way that nature interrupts your daydreaming by reminding you that it is a real world out there with little place for your random thinking that only places you in books rather than the top of the food chain. It is this force of nature that we have crowned and baptized as ‘time’. And our ‘time’ has shown us that we are no longer worried about surviving, but rather on existing, and we want to exist hard and loudly, we want to exist longer than our bodies permit us. And most certainly our body will give out and disappear faster than our desire to outlive the universe. Like a star, we are bound to leave behind our light for a generation that has not realized that we are now dead. This is our wish, we want to be stars, we want to be suns; we do not want to be asteroids or moons, and we do not want to be planets. We want to be suns, and we know that a way to outlive our life is by loving and being loved, for while the universe will go on without us, only our race will know what love is and will appreciate our longevity with it.
And that is all, goodnights.